I have been thinking a lot about regret and rejection, and the way the two interface with each other. When we face rejection we analyze every little conversation that was had or not had, and completely pick ourselves apart. We fixate on a whole parcel of things. One of my personal faves is if his ex was a hot mess, why did he accept that for so much longer than he could “handle” me? Am I worse? This line of thinking is a never-ending road to self destruction. Even when there is nothing to be gained by making these crazy comparisons… we do it.
The thing that I am starting to realize is that nobody should ever have to handle or deal with you. Everyone has their stuff and if the Marilyn Monroe quote is to be believed, that would dictate that our best is reserved for those that can handle us at our worst.
This train of thought made me realize that as much as I want to analyze and regret the things I said or didn’t say. I have to realize that it is not about being your absolute best. It is about being your best in that moment. External factors are going to absolutely determine what you are capable of then and there.
For instance, when faced with worldwide pandemic, being laid-off, and four medication switches in the span of quarantine; it is highly unlikely that your version of best, is immune to all of this.
I’ll give a real life example that explains why I am fixating on rejection and regret. I would preface this tale by saying I did not do my best, which is why there is a hearty amount of regret. I am not sure I have ever pushed someone away as effectively as I did with this person. Which for me… says a lot.
I’ll kick this off by saying I was not looking for anything romantic mid-apocalypse, especially given the personal conditions specified above. This man found me via Facebook, assuming that we were acquainted after I popped up in his: “You Might Know” list on Facebook. This seemed a little suspect to me but in any event, I mostly bought that line. From here things accelerated pretty rapidly to nearly non-stop texting, then calling, then meeting. I’ll fast forward to the regret. Seeing as how I felt so poorly about myself at the time, I went with the tried and true rejection move: “you deserve so much better.” And when that didn’t completely work, I went with a roundabout way of saying I didn’t find him attractive. As can be expected, he rejected me immediately after, even after I tried to recant.
The pain and regret of what I said was overwhelming, so I did what I never do and went full crazy girl. He returned none of my calls or texts and ultimately blocked me on Facebook. I definitely should have gotten the hint after a few texts/calls went unanswered. I thought I would have another chance to explain and repair some of the damage that I had done. I had held out this hope that he would analyze the situation and understand how poor my self esteem was at the time and pull the “circle back.” Once the termination of our social media relationship came about I knew that he was striking the final nail in the coffin. I mean, there is nothing more meaningful than Facebook and Insta connection, right?