Bad Habits

Old habits are hard to break. One of my absolute worst is to make excuses for someone and try to care for them when they have made it explicitly clear they don’t want a relationship with me.

Often, I blame circumstance and timing. Especially due to my propensity to date the recently separated or divorced. Maybe I’m just as emotionally unavailable, so I attract these individuals. Then I get scared of the connection myself, and I sabotage with my abandonment fears, and how intensely I fear their departure. They certainly really love me for a couple of weeks. Until they don’t. Maybe they were too unstable and actually never did.

In any event, why do I worry so much for them when they have broken my heart. Recently, I laid it all out on the line, even after a guy proved over a month ago he didn’t want to be with me. I convinced myself his emotional bandwidth was maxed out, and he didn’t want me to see him weak, so on and so forth. So I asked outright- do you not love me anymore? And then pathetically asked to hang out in a normal way. But I know myself and I know I’m too hurt to be friends. Plus… he never followed up to hangout and he certainly didn’t say anything in response to my desperate question.

It’s so hard when you essentially have to shake yourself into the truth. No matter what excuse I give him- it doesn’t make it hurt less that he doesn’t at all want to be with me. I have the clarity now, but it bums me out that I was so excited to even see his name appear on my phone in the last month when he was likely doing me a solid, and trying to remain barely around enough, so I didn’t maybe turn to drinking. Oh well.

Next time I think it’s different and meant to be- maybe it will be. That’s all I can hold out for. Someone to care as much as I thought this one did… again.

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