I’ve had a flood of emotions of late. I’ve come to a point where I find no real joy in my job. I know that basing your fulfillment on your job is a dangerous game, but I am an ambitious perfectionist, so it comes with the territory. I have interviewed for a position I would love. I’ve romanticized the life I would live should I get that position. I’ve felt overwhelming joy and excitement merely by interviewing. I’ve gone on a first date that was one of the better ones I’ve ever experienced. It was particularly great because in-spite of me being close to two months sober, it just kept continuing for 8hrs straight without alcohol being a driving factor. I’ve been working out as much as ever, as is typical for me in rigid sobriety.
And yet… I find myself this Sunday feeling scared, empty, and frivolous. I’ve always found so much truth to Audrey Hepburn’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly Golightly. The most relatable statement for me is when she describes the “mean reds.” When you are so confused by who you are, what you want, and afraid of some unknown. Maybe the unknown you fear is yourself.
I wonder if some of us just have a deeply rooted desire to self destruct. Sometimes I think that this profound dichotomy of high and low is beautiful, but clearly I haven’t been writing of late because I have been in a down swing. The excitement I have felt with this job opportunity has reinvigorated me. Yet, I have been waking up at 4AM with boundless excitement and energy and now inevitably, the crash.
As is always the case, I’m sure I’ll breakthrough this rut and inevitably write more about all that has transpired in the past few months.