When I think about all of the intricacies of my interpersonal relationships, I wonder if I’ll look back someday and laugh or be saddened by all the bridges I burn. To say I struggle with all relationships is an understatement. I was thinking recently, as I told a first date all about every story and overlapping guy, that maybe I shouldn’t divulge all that during a first meeting. “All that” as in the countless pseudo-relationships that aren’t actually relationships, but these people still float in and out of my life. My relationships almost always involve extreme infatuation, and then serious resentment and anger once they don’t work out.
I know that the way in which I am wired is very challenging. Therefore, people usually dip within a month or two. It’s a cycle I am very familiar with. Since I’m so accustomed to it, I’ve become very well versed in replacing people, so it keeps perpetuating. I know that as part of my condition I will always struggle to have “normal” non-rocky and volatile relationships. I can truly love someone one moment and then utterly despise them the next. And they usually can tell, because I am nothing if not transparent and honest.
I want to believe that someone someday will be able to tolerate the extreme highs and lows, but I’m not so sure that’s realistic. I often find it slightly comical when I try to explain my life to people, and the way in which I always have multiple tales of heartbreak occurring concurrently. I’m not sure if it’s more funny or sad that I will likely live a life of transitioning to someone new every few months. Ultimately, the beginning part is the most fun anyway, so maybe it’s less tragic and more realistic to accept this is what I am, and will be.
When I started this blog, the intention was for this to be more on the humorous side, which I intend to maintain in warranted instances. However, I have found that there aren’t many willing to talk about things that affect people with “overwhelming emotions” and BPD, as well as some bipolar disorders. All mental health is incredibly stigmatized, but I feel these conditions are especially swept under the rug. Which is unfortunate because at the end of the day, these are conditions like any other that affect the body, and try as we might, it is never as simple as “just be happy” when your brain chemistry and/or structure is telling you otherwise.