I felt for the longest time that Allen was the big one that I wouldn’t and couldn’t get over. I think it was because he treated me nicely, dates and chivalry and such, and really really knew how to handle my moods, until he didn’t. This heartbreak was pretty devastating. I can’t tell though if it was actually him or the idea of him that I became so enamored with. Someone that could really deal with my moods is definitely appealing. However, in retrospect, I recall thinking in the midst of our first date that this is going nowhere, so whatever. He kept shocking me though with the conviction he had to spend more time with me and how different he felt I was from everyone else he had ever met. This led to him deciding to spend the weekend with me instead of returning home when we first met and honestly, I recall being kind of annoyed. I don’t know if this was because I was still so enamored with the one before him or if I legitimately didn’t gel with him but he seemed so infatuated I went with it.

A few months in, he kind of blindsided me with not wishing to continue a romantic relationship any further. He was almost disgustingly healthy with the way he would phrase things and view situations. Where he was all logic, I was predominantly emotion. Needless to say, I took it pretty hard and burned every communication bridge we had. That’s just what I do.

Recently, after stalking his Spotify, and ascribing meaning to the songs he had recently added to the playlist entiteld with my name, I decided to reach out. And thus far it’s been pretty blah. I had hyped it up so much in my head and now that we are communicating, I feel it’s so mundane. I’m starting to legitimately fear I can’t get excited anymore. I wonder if there is a point in which you truly just reach apathy. Don’t get me wrong I want to have a partner to experience things with and especially travel with but I just find I’m so let down constantly.

It’s always the exact same pattern. I meet guy, guy becomes enamored and convinces me he is crazy about me, I start to actually like him and get passed my reservations, guy deals with me for a few months and then dips. I just feel too old and tired to cycle through this routine, which is probably sad given I’m not even 30yrs old yet. Maybe I’m too exhausted in all other areas of life, but at this point I’m pretty convinced no man in the world can inspire me to attempt dating again.

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