The ultimate cockblock for me will always be someone passing on me. With the amount of men that circle in and out of my life you would think I’d be better about granting second chances. I just can’t though. To me, I can never again be attracted to somebody that passed on me. I know logically that maybe timing wasn’t right, or this or that, but I have no desire to be with someone that could let me go. It’s the biggest deal breaker, and this is unfortunate, given I can still see the good in people, and what might have been. Once the allotted time (usually 1-2 months) passes for them to come to their senses and make things right comes and goes, I’m just done.
I have questioned this a lot and why it is I can’t do it, and a friend of mine said it’s likely a concept relatively foreign to me: self-worth. No matter how much I beat myself up, and think lowly of myself, it seems that in moments of rejection are when I realize how special I am. It’s almost as if the veil of, “I could be so much better in all of these various areas” is lifted, and I can see clearly what a unique and special person I am.
Once I am able to clearly see me for me, I just feel bad for the offending party. I still have a lot of jealousy due to my highly competitive an insecure nature, so it’s incredible rare I can be friends with people again after trusting them with more. However, I do think it is incredibly important to never settle. If somebody doesn’t treat you like a priority, or always makes you feel like there is something better to do, they really aren’t worth your time or energy. It’s a hard lesson when you want to see the best in someone, but when you open up and trust someone that would rather do anything else as opposed to take you on a date, it’s time to move on from that bucket of yuck. No self love comes from being in a situation like that. It just makes you constantly question your worth.