The Revolving Door

I’ve written a lot of not great things about Jerry. I handle rejection with anger because it’s the easiest for me. I’m sure anger and hatred isn’t overly healthy, but I feel it helps me get past things quicker. However, I’ve probably been a bit unfair to him. The truth is, if it hadn’t been for him I would still think nobody would accept all of my moods and chemical imbalances. He was the one that truly opened my eyes to the fact that the right person won’t try to change you or say things like “just be happy.” I know that I can only try to be the best version of me everyday, and try to fight negative thoughts. Some will certainly still bleed through, especially in my writing. For instance, I’ve written quite a bit lately that I have held back in posting to not hurt the other person involved should they read it. However, I don’t really owe him anything, and writing it down is very therapeutic for me, and that’s what I need right now.

Back to Jerry. I had written him late Saturday night because as fate would have it I ran into the main character (Bobby) from my story regarding “Street Strangers.” I just had a feeling going into the evening that I was going to run into someone I knew. And since Bobby and his tales regarding Jerry separated us initially, I thought he would find it funny. Though, I did not actually write him about it until I came across my main tormentor at the moment, Gary. Not only did I have a run in with one guy that makes my skin crawl, an hour later I ran into the one that truly makes me have a panic attack upon sight. I’m not sure why I have such a visceral reaction, I think it’s because I feel I opened up so much to him, and now I just feel violated and betrayed. For all these reasons I was like, “Pshhhh, why not write the one that sends pics of ‘solo dinners’ that clearly aren’t solo.”

He sent a cursory response, and I deleted the whole conversation, assuming now is as good a time as any to finally take a break. I was very ok with a break when I began this blog, and then Gary kinda tricked me into thinking pursuing something with him might be worth it. However, as I’m in mourning over the death of that situation, I got a simple message from Jerry to start my week, and I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s really been holding me together the past few days.

He explained to me that he has always felt like my second option that I text late at night, to which, I explained that apparently that is common with me, as everyone keeps saying that. He explained that I appear to want fun with all the other guys but he is the one that gets to pick up the pieces. I didn’t mean to make him feel that way. It’s just in this day and age of hookup culture, you have no idea how many other options the other person is pursuing. Therefore, I keep my portfolio very diverse until someone tells me, “I want you to just be with me, and vice versa,” without that conversation, I never realize a person’s interest unless they are incredibly blatant about it. Especially when the other person treats you nothing like a priority or even their top option.

This week though has been the peak of misery at my job that truly kills my soul. As I was contemplating writing the riveting piece, “From Ghostwriting for CEOs to Lunch Girl, A Memoir,” Jerry has really helped me keep it together. The only thing that had been getting me by previously was Gary, and his faith in my abilities, but now with that situation dead, my awful job has become more awful- with a constant reminder of a serious error in trust and judgement wandering about. Jerry has reminded me that all of these situations are temporary. I will survive this, and be better for it, I hope. I do know that the reminder to just stop and breathe this week has been a lifesaver, and no matter what comes of the Jerry situation, he’s helped me through it, and I’m very thankful for the distraction.

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